Bride on a Boat
by EllieRose101
Summary: When Mal relents, and lets Jayne exchange Vera for his new accidental wife, everyone gets more than they bargained for. Saffron just may have met her match. (Set during episode six: Our Mrs. Reynolds.)
Part One

Mal left Inara's room and ran directly into Jayne, who cocked his gun at him.

"Do I have your attention?"

He took a half-step back, his empty hands raising a little, "We're kind of going to extremes here, ain't we?"

Jayne answered, "There's times I think you don't take me seriously. And I think that oughta change."

"Do you think it's likely to?" asked Mal, knowing full well he was pushing his luck, but not caring. He'd been forced into surrender a little too much, lately.

"You got something you don't deserve," Jayne continued, ignoring the quip.

Ah, so this was about Saffron. Of course.

Mal shook his head saying, "It's brought me a galaxy a'fun I'm here to tell you."

Again, Jayne carried on with his obviously pre-prepared speech. Mal was actually a little impressed. He'd never known him to be so single-minded before.

"Six men came to kill me one time, and the best of them carried this," he eyed the gun before holding it out. "It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock, customized trigger and double cartridge thorough-gage."

There was a pause, then the addition of, "It's my very favorite."

Mal balked. "You offering me a trade?"

"A trade?" Jayne repeated, looking offended. "Hell, it's theft! This is the best gun made by man, and its got extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got."

"What I got-" Mal began, before stopping himself. They could spend all day throwing each other's words back at each other, and he already had plans to get drunk and sleep before the remainder of it was out. "She has a name," he chided, instead.

"So does this!" Jayne countered, thrusting the gun towards him again, before smiling. "I call it Vera."

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle," said Mal. He'd had enough talk of wives to last him a long time.

"Dammit, Mal, I'd treat her okay," came the next protest, but the Captain was having none of it.

"She's not to be bought. Nor bartered, nor borrowed, or lent. She's a human woman, doesn't know a damn thing about the world, and needs our protection."

Jayne wasn't giving up either. "I'll protect her!" he insisted.

"Go play with your rainstick," Mal told him, in one final word of dismissal, before heading downstairs, only for the girl in question to step out of the shadows and block his way.

"Gah! You do sneak about, don't you?!"

Behind him, Jayne looked a mixture of wary and hopeful.

"You're a good man," Saffron said to Mal, ignoring Jayne completely.

"You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat," Mal replied.

Saffron cast her eyes downward, with a brief nod, adding, "You'd make a good husband, I reckon."

"Now hold on-" Mal began. They weren't married, and they weren't gonna be. Just why wasn't she getting this?

Ignoring the interruption, Saffron continued, "If I'm not to be yours, I at least deserve a man who wants me, don't I?" Finally, her eyes strayed to Jayne, but only for a moment.

"I'm not sure he qualifies," Mal argued, but his ability to do so had been significantly worn down.

"Please," said Saffron, "You spoke to me of choice."

"Well, yeah," Mal admitted, "But you seriously wanna choose him?"

"Hey!" Jayne protested, behind him.

Mal found himself raising his hands once more, relenting. This was madness, pure and simple, but…

"I aint gonna be the one to stand in the way of true idiocy, but if this goes sour, don't come runnin' to me, either one of you."

Saffron beamed at him, and he shook his head once more. This was definitely gonna go sour, he was convinced.

Before he knew what was happening, Jayne surprised him for the second time that day, by approaching him and throwing his arms around his middle, from behind, all the while still balancing Vera.

Shrugging him off, then backing away from the clearly deranged pair, Mal told Jayne to keep the gun.

* * *

Later in his quarters, Mal wondered if letting Jayne keep Vera was a good idea after all. Deranged as he obviously was, the man probably shouldn't be in charge of a firearm.

Halfway through second-guessing himself on that count, Mal also wondered what would happen if Saffron and Jayne actually made it work. He hoped things would come to a head quickly, because he sure as hell didn't want more crew, and personal relationships on board a boat could make things… messy.

"Gah!" Mal sat up in bed, now thinking about other members of his existing crew. The Sheppard might just gut him if he heard he'd handed his wife off to the most disreputable person on board.

Unable to rest any more for thinking on it, Mal decided to cut his losses and get up again. There was no way he could sleep until he'd checked on them.

Saffron was probably hiding somewhere crying her pretty little eyes out.

* * *

Jayne's eyes bugged out at the sight of Saffron's seductive approach.

Swaying her hips, she closed the small distance between where she had stood, at door, and the bunk where he sat.

The meek and mild act was shed the same time as her shirt and now, placing herself firmly in Jayne's lap, she leaned forward for a kiss.

Jayne, in turn, leaned backwards, away from her. "Nah, not into that."

"Excuse me?" she was genuinely caught off guard, for a moment.

"I said I ain't into that."

Saffron blinked. "Into kissin'?" There was no way this was happening to her. Two men in one day who were able to resist her? What were the worlds comin' to?

Frowning, she considered the very real sign, placed right between her thighs, that she was still having somewhat of the desired effect.

"You're into other things though, right?"

"You bet," Jayne affirmed, smiling.

Huh. So it was just kissing he didn't like. Or maybe just kissing on the mouth. Maybe he suspected her plan, or maybe he just had a whole colorful line of past experiences. Either way, the plan would have to change.

"How do you feel about kissin'… elsewhere?" she asked, running her eyes along the length of him, trying to figure out where was the best plan B spot to place the drugged lipstick – aside from the obvious.

"Well sure," said Jayne. He was still smiling at her and, truth be told, a part of her actually liked him some. Maybe not the smartest, but rugged, and… dangerous. Plus, the gun he'd offered to trade for her really was a beauty – he must really like her too, which was a clear bonus.

"You like it?"

"Huh? Oh." Saffron chided herself. He'd caught her looking at Vera. She wouldn't normally let herself get so distracted but, hey, maybe she could have a little fun with them one.

"It's beautiful," she answered, at last.

Jayne nodded, affirming, "Best there is. Y'know, I could maybe show you target practice with it sometime, if that's the kinda thing gets you hot?"

"Oddly, it does," Saffron admitted, and for the first time she was telling the truth.

She made up her mind right there and then to enjoy tonight, then get back on the job tomorrow. Lowering her body along Jayne's she brought her head level with his crotch, as her hands went for the zipper.

That's when Mal entered.

 _To be continued..._


End file.
